We have a Thanksgiving tradition at our house and it goes like this: Before you even think about hoisting that fork, tell everyone something for which you are thankful. And every year, I hear the same old yada-yada-yada:

The mandatory “I am thankful everyone could come for dinner.”

The syrupy “I am thankful that everyone is healthy.”

The self-promoting “I am thankful for my promotion/pregnancy/new car/bigger house/vacation on the moon/whatever.”

But no one really tells the truth.

“I’m thankful that I only have to come see you once a year.”

“I’m thankful you did not overcook the turkey again.”

“I’m thankful for Doctor’s Care and my new prescription of Elavil.”

Well, that might be what THEY’re thinking, but let me take a moment, before I get too busy with the cooking and baking and cleaning and leaf-raking and hair-pulling and teeth-gnashing, to give MY real thanks.

I’m thankful for those little red buttons in the turkey that pop up when it is done. No more turkey-stabbing with the meat thermometer -- all I have to do is watch for the little red button to pop up. I wish that I had a little red button on me that would pop up when I’m finished. My husband wishes I had one, too.

I’m thankful for QVC and Home Shopping Network and all their bouncy hosts and hostesses who spoke so directly to me and coaxed me into these burnt orange table linens which so perfectly complement my pumpkin-embroidered corduroy shirt. Quack-Quack!

I’m thankful that Circle K is open on Thanksgiving Day because I will probably be requiring at least three emergency trips there. (And special thanks to Circle K for selling donuts…..and building the store just far enough from my home so that I have enough time to wolf down 2 donuts before I get back home.)

I’m thankful for Wii and all the games the grown-ups play and all those games the kids play. I’m grateful that there are only two purple things in the dining room so that when we play “I spy with my little eye”, I don’t have so many guesses to make. And I’m thankful for the annual family poker tournament where last year I won $150, as if that would even begin to cover the cost of this home-cooked dinner.

And I’m thankful for the beautiful antique dishes which adorn my dining room table. Service for 20. Every serving piece imaginable. A family heirloom. Since the plates cost $200 each to replace, I’d be even more grateful if everyone would quit clinking their forks on the plates. Even if you don’t break a plate, you are leaving little grey lines on my delicate dishes.

I’m eternally grateful that Thanksgiving comes but once a year and that someone else cooks for the next holiday.

I’m thankful that the guest rooms are on the second floor, and my bedroom is on the first. All that snoring sounds more muffled that way. I am also thankful there is a Holiday Inn a few blocks from my house.

I’m eternally grateful that the day after Thanksgiving is a huge shopping day and everyone will leave the house in search of bargains. I’ll be more grateful if they all return home exhausted and fall into bed after a plate of leftovers.

I am thankful my new pants contain 2% Spandex. It is my hope that the 2% Spandex can restrain the 10% pumpkin/pecan/chocolate/peanut butter pie bloat I now tuck into those pants.

I’m grateful for the Xanax.

And the chilled vodka.

And the laughter.

And the teasing.

And the hugs.

And the kisses.

But most of all -- for the love. Happy Thanksgiving!